June 10 - Laly Zambrana

A little over five years, my mom, my best friend, my prayer partner went home to be with the Lord.

A month before she passed she was hospitalized and I took the trip to Puerto Rico to be with her. Not even a week past, on my way to be with her at the hospital I fell and broke my leg. I was rushed by ambulance and was taken to another hospital and had surgery. I spent three days and came back to my parents' house. By then my sister, her girls, my brother and his wife and my niece, my Peter and his Luci, my daughter Alyssa, my son Kirk and my beloved all had come to be with mom as well.

I was heartbroken. Here I came to be with my mom, to take care of my BFF and now I was the one needing care. I couldn't understand the "whys"... Why did this have to happen? Now?

I wanted, I needed to be by her side. I didn't want to miss a minute of her being: her face, her voice, her scent. I felt as if that was all taken away from me. The big question was... "Lord, why did you allow this to happen, where are you?"

I began to hold resentment and jealousy in my heart. I felt as if my time with my mom was stolen away from me to be given to my sister and my brother (speaking very honestly here) and I am so sorry for feeling this way. They got to be with her, they got to spend nights with her... I got to be with her at a distance.

My mom went home to be with the Lord, then there was a funeral and a burial, that quick, in a blink of an eye my mom was gone... but but but... I really didn't get to say goodbye. What were her last words? What were her last thoughts? When did she close her eyes to not open them again? I had wanted to have so much time with her, talk with her about so much and all that was taken from me... and for four years I have carried this in my heart.

This past couple of months I have been involved in a Grief recovery class at church. (I have many issues lol) I really didn't think I needed to go but my husband and a sweet sister from church encouraged me to go.

Boy did I really need to go!!!!

From the first day the Lord began working in my heart showing me the bitterness, anger, frustration, hurt, pain, sorrow, jealousy that I had been carrying for all this time. I realized that I was angry at HIM as well... for four years I have asked HIM the same questions: "Why did my mom have to suffer such a painful death?" Why did you allow me to break my leg? Why was my time with her shortened and given to others, when I was the closest one to her? (again being very open here)

These questions have gnawed at me for these past four years.

BUT GOD!!!!

He answered me!!!

In His loving tender beautiful way He answered me.

First I needed to confess all the sin I held in my heart, which I have carried these past four years... then came my answers.

It is said that back in the day a shepherd would have to break the leg of a sheep that would keep going astray, then He would put a splint on it and carry that sheep everywhere... of all the sheep, THAT SHEEP was the closest to the shepherd. In other words, I was that sheep, and my Shepherd My Jesus was carrying me through this time in my life... for if He hadn't my grief would have been unbearable... at that time I needed to be as close to my Shepherd as I could, I had had a lifetime of being close to my Gladys. We shared everything, we spent so much time together and when apart we spoke on the phone. I had so many wonderful beautiful memories that my siblings didn't have... they needed to be with her, they needed the time with her.

Most likely me being me, in my selfishness I would have taken away from them the joy and love they had with their Mama.

The question of why my mom suffered so in her last weeks of life... My Father in heaven spoke to my heart once again...

This is how He explained it to me... When I broke me leg, I was in excruciating pain. But when they had to set it they put me to sleep, I felt nothing nor do I remember anything, but those around me and those even down the hall in the ER heard me. I was told I screamed so loud that the people in the ER were frightened. Do I remember that? Did I feel that? My body felt it but I didn't.

My Gladys' body felt the excruciating pain, but my Gladys did not...

Wow!!! How could I question God? Who am I to even think that the Savior would abandon one of His own... and my Gladys was one of His own, He was with my Gladys, He took her home and she is in Glory.

As for me I am always humbled by the Lord's patience with me, His great love for me, His faithfulness to me, how He puts up with me.

I have to say my God is still carrying me till this day...and I would not want to be anywhere else then in the arms of my Shepherd close to His heart.

Am I still missing her? Oh yes, I will always miss her, but I know I will see her again and will spend eternity with her with our Shepherd.

May these words somehow comfort someone who reads them.