January 22 - M. Anonymous
All my life, as far as I can remember, I loved God and wanted to worship Him. I was brought up in the Episcopalian Church. I thank God that my parents felt it vital for us to attend church. I vividly remember preparing to receive first Holy Communion through the sacrament of confirmation. Classes were held at our church after school a few days a week to prepare to answer the visiting bishop's questions. For some reason, the lesson about the sower and the seeds truly impacted me. I wanted to be that grounded seed that flourished and produced much fruit. I was twelve years old at the time and took this step seriously. I loved church attendance but rarely was fed.
At the age of nineteen, I married the love of my life and I converted to Roman Catholicism so we could raise our children together in the same faith. There were differences in our religions (adoration of Mary, confession to a priest, the statues within the building, praying to saints, etc.) which I could never accept but I attended church with my husband and that was of utmost importance to me. Basically, I was a closet Protestant within the Catholic church. I raised my children in this Catholic environment but instructed them in what not to take from it. I prayed they wouldn't get confused and God honored my prayers. All four of them know and love our Lord.
In 1983, my mom told me about a radio program "Let's Talk about Jesus." I loved this show and it led me to also listen to Chuck Swindoll, David Jeremiah, Charles Stanley and Raul Ries. I couldn't get enough of these radio teachings.
In 1997, a friend of mine told me about Calvary Chapel of Philadelphia. I attended and knew I found my home. All these years I knew I loved Jesus and now I knew He loved me. I would go there on a Wednesday night (my husband was working) and go to the Catholic church on Sundays with him and our children. Well, it became increasingly more uncomfortable to be in the Catholic church.
One Sunday, in October of 1997, my husband had to work and I went to Calvary. I practically ran up the aisle to accept Christ. As I did, I felt the Lord spoke to my heart and told me He was going to test me. I was puzzled by that and never forgot it. For reasons unknown to me, I never told my husband about this decision for Christ and just kept going to the Catholic church on Sundays and Calvary on Wednesdays. I so regret that.
Finally, two years later, I asked my husband to go to Calvary with me. He agreed. Well, he loved Pastor Joe and wanted to go again the next week. We went and there was a visiting pastor. As the third week came, we were planning on going to Calvary again. I was thrilled that my husband felt at home there. When I went to awaken him, he was home with the Lord. This tragic loss is what I believed to be my test. I'm so very thankful that my husband (who was an excellent husband and father and lived a Godly life), experienced a teaching with Pastor Joe and I feel in my heart he was saved. I had the memorial service for him at Calvary.
I wasn't angry with God. I was puzzled that maybe He was angry with me but I grew to know He doesn't operate in that manner. It's been twenty-four years since this happened. God has never left me or forsaken me. He actually has used me to help others in the loss of their loved ones (all to His honor and glory) through the bereavement support group at Calvary Philly. I lean on these verses from Isaiah 54:4-8:
Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood any more. For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. For the LORD hath called thee as a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, and a wife of youth, when thou wast refused, saith thy God. For a small moment have I forsaken thee; but with great mercies will I gather thee. In a little wrath I hid my face from thee for a moment; but with everlasting kindness will I have mercy on thee, saith the LORD thy Redeemer.
God bless everyone who reads my humble testimony. I love God still and always will. If indeed, that was my "test," I think I passed it. I so live to serve and please our awesome God. He has never left or forsaken me.